I'd forgotten about this...

[IamLEAM1983]

So Halloween's around the corner, but I'd forgotten one local facet of the holiday: the religious nutjobs pulling door-to-door campaigns to try and convince us not to celebrate it. That was fun.

I usually make it my policy not to answer the door when I see primly dressed couples à la Welcome to Pleasantville stroll up our hallway, but I was expecting a delivery of my grandmother's monthly stash of pills. I'm still half-asleep, caffeine's only starting to work its magic and breakfast is still on the stove, so I open the door.

Boom. The assault commences. Didn't I know that every year, thousands of innocent children are killed on Halloween by practicing Satanists and bullshit bullshit ad hominem citation desperately needed?

That, somehow, wakes me up. I smile. No, I didn't know. What I did know, however, was that mistletoe had pagan origins, that the wreath we stick in front of our doors is also pagan, that you can tie Easter with ancient Babylonian worship of Ishtar, also known as Astoreth, which demonologists have quite conveniently stuck in with Baal, Marduk, Belial and the Jewish Sabbatic goat for purely political reasons. For sources, see your own Trentius Council for the reformation of Christmas to include pagan iconography, helmed by Constantine the Great - the first Catholic Roman Emperor. Now kindly leave me be, I've got some Cream of Wheat burning on the stove.

I hid behind the door after closing it in their faces. "Don't you just hate the smart ones?" said the guy to his wife.

I still want to scare the local proselytizers on a permanent basis. One day, I'll find a way to answer the door with Gorgoroth ("Satanic" Swedish Black Metal) blaring on the family's sound system, my face covered up in fake blood while holding some sort of cheap prop of a severed head by a clump of hair. I'll have pre-emptively memorized a few backwards-chanted Latin ditties and found a way to improve on my lackluster Death Growl.

Honestly, I don't mind. I'll really flip out the day some sort of Tom Cruise-alike will try and flaunt the merits of Dianetics to me.

Happy Early Halloween, carve up some turnips in memory of your Celtic ancestors, don't give directions to Stingy Jack if you cross his path - and mind the weirdoes. Someone should really stage a counter-assault and forcefully broadcast Ray Bradbury's The Halloween Tree to these God-fearing folks.

It's got Leonard Nimoy voicing Mr. Moundshroud. Mister Spock playing as a Creepy Old Guy living in a Creepy Old Mansion? It's not logical, but it is absolutely awesome.

[TennyoCeres84]

*grins* That's one of the best Halloween movies, and nice job on informing the door to door salespeople on actual history.