The Parable of "Dungeon Keeper Mobile"

[IamLEAM1983]

So your mother shoves you in the car, packs the trunk and plops Mickey Mouse ears on your head. “We're going to Disneyland!” she says, looking all nice and prim and Stepford Wife-worthy. You have a nice drive that leaves you hopeful and you do see Orlando's shores from a distance – but then...

Then your mother pulls into a shitty trailer park lot, introduces you to your long-lost uncle, Flem Snotwad the Pedophile, and she takes off, telling you you'll spend the summer with him. He then hovers over you, his stinky outie hanging out and sweat stains marking his tattered wife beater, cackling at you like DOTA 2's Pudge. Evil Cockney Cackles.

Your first night is a nightmare. The sun rises on your bleeding posterior and your destroyed innocence, even as Uncle Flem rises his stinky mass off of you and has the nerve to ask that you pay him for the awful, terror-ridden, soul-crushing night you've spent.

Every following night, this happens. Sometimes, Flem feels particularly fetishistic and makes the pain last longer. He tells you you can pay him to make the torture a few hours shorter. Your allowance is limited, however, and you know you'll run out quickly.

Once you do, Flem tells you it's no biggie. All he wants is a day-long session of personal slavery in exchange for a few measly coins. After a month spent in Princess Leia getup, you don't have nearly enough to start paying your way out of your nightly depredations.

You will never have enough. Mother is never coming back.

And – scene.

* * *

The players for this little parable were, in order of appearance :

Mother – Electronic Arts Executives
Mickey Mouse Hat – Memories of a Beloved Franchise
The Child – The Average Clueless Customer
Disneyland – Promises of Respected Nostalgia
Uncle Flem Snotwad – EA Mythic, as voiced by John Patrick Lowrie
The Child's Shattered Innocence – The Dungeon Keeper franchise
The Emptied Coinpurse – Baseless Greed and in-App Purchases

Thank you.

[IamLEAM1983]

So, let's say you slog through a single hour, combined with several distinct moments across your day. You've cow-clicked your way across an hour's worth of game stuff over several days, and quit the app after selecting a few measly blocks to mine out.

Pop goes Horny, asking you to rate the app. You can't click on individual stars, but rather on two buttons. Clicking on the button that reads "1-4 stars" takes you to EA's support page, where they ask you what they might do to make the game a five-star experience for you. Click on the "5 stars" button and you're taken to the App Store page where you can actually rate the damn game - with nothing stopping you from giving the game a single measly half-star. Which, you know, it kinda deserves as it's the only abysmal rating that's available. No negative star readings on the App Store, mofo!

It's not exactly illegal, but it's sort of underhanded...